You might have noticed that arguments between couples or employers/employees almost always follow a predictable pattern. These exchanges between people are referred to as Calibrated Behavior Loops. Couples frequently argue about sex, money, and children. Yes, there are others, but many these conversations often have the same outcomes which are not always productive. Often, they lead to anger and frustration without resolving the issue. The response to a statement might be very reactive and automatic, triggered by the words or by the body language or tone of voice.

A few weeks ago, Barb and I traveled to Las Vegas to meet with a personal coach for help with personal and business communications. One would think that after 20 years we would have all that figured out. Mostly we do, but sometimes not. Outside help from a non-invested coach was very helpful. We felt that an in-person visit would be more valuable than coaching on the phone or a zoom call.

We spent three days with A.J. He did three personality tests, Archetype evaluation, and a numerology presentation. That was all very beneficial to see our strengths and weaknesses. We learned how we could be more supportive of each other, especially in our weak areas. We also learned a lot about business communications and looked at some goals for the future.

We learned a very valuable communication technique that has helped a lot. We now start important conversations with one of four statements:

#1. I am going to make a statement and I do not want you to respond now, but we can discuss it in more detail tomorrow. Then make a statement or ask a question. This allows us to have time to think about our response rather than just react automatically and/or defensively.

#2. I am going to make a statement and you may respond but I will not respond to that until tomorrow if needed. Again, this reduces the nonproductive automatic reaction which might trigger more defensive reactions that can then escalate into a big blow out.

#3. I am going to make a statement and I am asking for your help. This can have an immediate response or open a discussion then or the next day, leading to some sort of plan.

#4. I am going to make a statement and I want you to do something for me. This creates the environment for a plan of action to get to the bottom of the request. If you think there might be some resistance, then combine that with #1.    

We have found this to be so helpful that I wanted to share the ideas. You might use these suggestions in your important communications to reduce frustration, arguments and fights. For me it has reduced the fear of bringing something up that I know has created conflict in the past. By getting it out and opening a conversation that does not go off the rails, reduces the risk of building quiet resentment.